Give the Internet a Prettier Face! (Part II: Offenders)

I didn’t want to do this. OK, maybe I did. My last post, I ranted about my biggest pet peeve and my mission to make the electronic world better. I took the liberty of downloading and then censoring a few samples of classic offenders. All of these are people I know and I didn’t ask permission. If you’re reading this, you know who you are and you can ask to be removed.

The first offender, we’ll call him Jim. Jim is a former co-worker of mine who is a professional photographer. He does weddings almost every weekend.


As you can see, Jim is a very sharp dresser and he has a very nice bathtub and bedroom furniture. He also has an iPhone. What you don’t know is Jim also has a Nikon D800, a remote and a tripod. If you’re going to dress nice and you want to show the internet, take an extra 5 minutes and set up your gear.

Another bathroom offender here. We’ll call him John. John is a high school basketball coach, so I presume this is a bathroom at the gym.


I give John a little more lenience as he does not have the luxuries Jim has, he also has a full team of kids who can hold his phone. I will say, with the watch, bracelet, necklace, and leather jacket, I don’t suppose it would be difficult to get someone to take the photo for you. Plus John is about 6’4” and 250-280 pounds.

Our third mirror offender we’ll call her Stacy. Stacy is a young, single woman with career and dating aspirations.


She just got her hair cut and styled. I am sure that is expensive. I am also sure the stylist is proud enough of their work, they can hold the phone and take the picture.

Our next offender is Joe. Joe has one thing going for him, other than his fancy equipment. He had enough sense to reverse the photo.


Joe is actually me. I just wanted to ease the tension. Plus I never used this as a Facebook profile photo. I actually use shots I took using a remote or PC remote control.

Our next offender, we’ll call her Sandy. Sandy is a very pretty mother of two little girls. Sandy is very attractive right now, in 2013. I am certain her husband of nearly 15 years thinks so. But she certainly looks different day-to-day than she did 15 years ago, when this was taken.


This is Sandy’s fallback Facebook profile photo. The one she reverts to every few months. She looked great in ‘98. She doesn’t look bad now.

Finally, this woman is easily the example for which my pet peeve is derived. We’ll call her Jennifer. Jennifer is a beautiful girl, and a new mother I know through my wife and her sorority. She does everything I absolutely hate when it comes to profile photos, which is really a shame as she is very pretty, has a ton of personality, and she could easily have me or my wife, or one of the many people we know with decent equipment take her photograph.

This is what I like to call the torch shot. This is when you raise your phone high above your head and take a self-portrait.


This is another example of the torch. Still Jennifer.


The torch is rivaled in my hate by the kissy face. Jennifer loves to post photos of herself doing the kissy face.


Here’s one she had someone else take, with the kissy face.


So how does that conversation transpire? “Hey, I want you to take a picture of me making a kissy face… OK, that’s great. I’m using it as my Facebook profile photo.”

And finally, our friend Jennifer doing the Torch+Kissy combo. The only thing imaginable worse than that would be a torch-kissy-bathroom mirror combo with a medium format camera taken a decade ago.


To her credit, she has only posted self-shot photos with her newborn child, taken with her cell phone lately. Which is horrible, but not necessarily as bad as the torch. At least there is a baby in the shot. I hope to turn her to the good side this year. I don’t know how, but I will.


2 comments on “Give the Internet a Prettier Face! (Part II: Offenders)

  1. […] Kayden: A while back I posted about “Jennifer”. She was public offender #1. Well, I am happy to say I was able to at least change her Facebook […]

  2. […] few weeks back I talked about “Jennifer”, the world’s number one offender of the “kissy face” or “duck face” pose on Facebook. She […]

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